Product Review: Kendall Jackson Chardonnay
The next time you’re caught up in a demolition derby of bumper cars in the grocery store consider escaping the hubbub and finding your way to the beer and wine section. I go there a lot to recoup. It usually has a couple of pensive shoppers with those little half-glasses trying to read the teeny print on bottles of wine. It’s quiet there, compared to the rest of the store.
Anywhooo, don’t bother reading the labels. They aren’t going to say “This one stinks, put it back.” Just pick one in whatever color you like. That’s what I did.
“Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.”
Kendall Jackson Chardonnay, aka “Kenny” was happy to come home with me. He never complained while I was trying to unscrew his top. I was about to whack it on the sink when it dawned on me it had a cork. This was the good stuff! I was a little intimidated by a wine with an actual cork. Maybe I should have read the label.
So I went up and down the street trying to find someone with a corkscrew. The nephew drove in and told me to whack it on the sink. He’s so funny. He finally dug a corkscrew out of the big drawer that scares me and I was back in business. I peeled off the foil and stuck the pointy end into the cork.
After screwing the devil out of the cork, I flipped the little arms down and tugged for all I was worth. Nuthin’. I took another deep breath and tugged again. Nuthin’. I took yet another deep breath and got so disoriented I think I popped a blood vessel. Kenny and I sat down for a bit until I regained complete consciousness. The nephew said, “Give me the bottle before you stroke out.” He gave it a tug and the cork easily slipped out. I must have loosened it for him.
I found my very special Pepe’ crystal wine glass that my friend “The Obsessed” gave me and dumped in a dollop of Kenny. Actually, I don’t understand the big whoop about examing the color of white wine because it all looks like urine to me. The red stuff looks kind of like Kool-Aid. And to top it off, you’re supposed to smell it. Great. So I smelled it. It didn’t smell like urine thank goodness, but it did sort of remind me of the last oak tree I smelled.
Of course, I’m kidding, silly. I see the term “Oakey” on a lot of wine lists in the fine restaurants I frequent, Applebee’s and such, and always wondered if people actually get paid to smell the wine. Do they smell it and then smell the oak tree, saying “Yes, this is definitely Oakey”, or “Nah, this one’s ash.”
Enough with the smelling. I took a big sip and gargled a bit like I saw some goofball do with some other booze. Resisting the urge to spit it out in the sink, I choked it down and waited for the euphoric experience wine tasters gush on about. Nuthin.
I refilled Pepe and downed another. Nuthin. On the third swill, I began to notice my lips getting numb. I dismissed the stroke thing and poured another glass as I sat down. In a few minutes, my arms felt like they were rising for no apparent reason. Since they were up there, I swiped at Kenny a few times before I finally snagged him and attempted to refill my Pepe’ glass. I managed to get most of Kenny in the glass.
I began to realize what fun I must be having, as I was giggling at the clock. When I closed one eye, it was one o’clock in the afternoon, but when I closed both eyes, it was night. That was pretty funny. I noticed certain problematic parts of my body had stopped aching. Kenny was quite therapeutic! I somehow knew things I had never known before. I actually came to understand Nancy Pelosi!
I began to speak in tongues, so a big perk was you learn a foreign language without studying for months. This stuff was goo. Um, I mean goods. Goods. Ummy drool wants too fun bud that okay. C’mere ee uu Liddle budget. We’ll just have another Lil simple. You also don’t have to walk upstairs by yourself when you finally decide to go to bed.
I’m not sure how many stars the rest of the family would give Kenny, but I haven’t felt that good in years. I gave him a big 10+. The only downside of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay seems to be a certain immune system breakdown suffered shortly after you finish the bottle. That miserable flu lasted three days.